These past couple of weeks, I’ve started filling a small box for the items I know I don’t want to forget for my ‘500’ mile trek.
It started out due to me not wanting to lose the smaller gifts I’ve received, and for the things I’ve collected as I continue to check off things on my list. And then it became a bit of a shrine as I added to the pile.
My preparations for my trip have become rather sacred to me at this point. I have just under three months until I leave. I have many things I need to accomplish. Walking a couple of hours each day, double checking lists that I have what I actually need rather than what I feel I need, and keeping lists for the other items here where I am not that I need to not forget about while I focus on leaving. Whenever things get tough, preparing is a reminder that I have a plan.
I’ve traveled before. I’ve spent a couple of weeks in Sweden/Norway, weeks in different locations around the US/Canada, six months in New Zealand…I love traveling. But I’m beginning to realize how much different this trip is. The emotions are rearing upon me in ways I wasn’t prepared to handle.
I was prepared for being mentally done with my job earlier than physically. I knew when purchasing my ticket that would be a problem. I wasn’t exactly thrilled to find out it could physically be done faster due to company cuts (mentally finished is one thing, but I was willing to keep on truckin’ for the money), and I’m less than unhappy with how the company is handling it (“Oh, you’re area is going to get cut at least in half, but we don’t know when, how they’re deciding who goes, and we have absolutely no other information to give you. Have fun mulling that over as each week goes by!”). However, I have options for whatever the situation that happens.
My mother is personally hoping I’m fired as soon as possible.
It’s because I would live with them for free until I leave. Not because she’s a terrible mother.
No, I just wasn’t ready for the ridiculous waves of emotion flowing through me, striking at random hours of my waking life. It feels like those first moments when I first jumped out of an airplane, forgetting to breathe, yet, instead of joy returning to my heart at the elation of free falling amongst the clouds, removing the panic that any human being would have when they realize their bodies weren’t made to fly, my chest and throat go tight, my mind seems to narrow, closing out anything but that agonizing moment, where sound only exists to tell me that my heart is beating fast, my breath is ragged.
But it isn’t panic. It’s almost like anguish, except without the anguish. A mixture of love ready to burst and pure undiluted desolation.
And I start crying in idiotic sobs.
I shouldn’t say the emotions come about randomly. It feels random because I’m not expecting them when they happen, but they always happen whenever I’m thinking to myself, “Gods, I’m so lucky.” and my heart begins to swell.
For instance, this happens whenever I ever think about my parents at this point, especially when I have to leave home to come back to what I call Temp Living Quarters. We laugh, have fun, I feel comfortable, relaxed…and then I get in my car, I get about thirty seconds down the frontage road and I’m crying for no reason beyond my own…not-mourning? Misery ridden glee?
A few times, its happened due to a bestie/co-worker. She’s been 100% supportive for me on anything I’ve ever done since we’ve met, lent me books and exercise equipment, my constant companion through work troubles, and someone I always count on for after work activities (especially the alcoholic kinds). Since she knew I was having troubles at my current living quarters, she let me spend a week on her couch while her roommate was gone. She gave me her largest travel suitcase to put in my base items for while I’m gallivanting around the UK with the smaller one I have. When I left her house, even though I knew I’d be seeing her the next day, I got over-fa-clempt with…blithe grievances? Carefree agony?
It happened when a friend gave me her old Fitbit instead of me buying it off of her.
It happens when I get off of work every few days.
It happens while listening to music I haven’t heard in a while.
I finally came to the conclusion after weeks of these occurrences that, while unwarranted and disconcerting at times, the only logical explanation is that the emotions are coming from the sense of missing early. I’m not feeling guilty, I don’t have regrets, and there is no second guessing when these moments occur.
This isn’t me leaving and coming back. My intentions are to stay there after the initial visiting. This is completely different from taking a trip with the absolute knowledge that I will be returning.
Having this realization helped these moments cut back from once a day to maybe every few days. Understanding what they are has allowed me to move on much quicker when they occur. And it’s helping me with making decisions on how to handle my future for keeping in touch with everyone as I stroll my way along highlands and forest.
I finally felt a stable, a feeling that fled with the surety of my job. Taking more vitamin D and forcing myself to go on my walks have helped, too.
I then watched Fruits Basket, bawling within the first few seconds of the titles because that anime will eventually cause world peace once I get everyone to watch it.
This trip is a lot more than I anticipated.